The Solution to All Unhappiness in the World Ever

I was watching some crappy TV news this morning while getting ready to go to the gym (which I never got to...whatever) and saw some disgusting "infoTAINTment" ad from Discovery Health that was so horrendously misguided and vile I just had to post.

I just lost a really good friend recently (no, they didn't die; no, we don't hate each other) and losing this person was just as hard as if we had been in a relationship. It's lots of days of me missing them and wanting to talk to them and, basically, not having them in my life is really, really depressing.

Then this cheery "ad" from Discovery Health comes on and tells me that, "Lots of people are unhappy because they lack love in their life."

NO SHIT.

HUH.

THANKS FOR THE OBVIOUS, FUCKO!

They then continue to say that, "Tests have been done that show, even from an early age, that people need love to conduct happy and healthy lives."

Sooooooo...

1) raised in nice home with loving parents = happiness

and

2) raised in a dog cage by human eyeball collector = unhappiness

Thanks Discovery Health!

After I take a break to vomit, the announcer continues to helpfully explain that, "Lack of love can cause stress (SHOCKER) which makes your levels of Cortisol go up and can cause you to gain weight."

So I'll be miserably alone AND overweight! Wow, Discovery Health, you ARE making me feel SO MUCH BETTER ALREADY! (...sound of me putting my dick into garbage disposal...)

But then they offer a SOLUTION to this torture and madness! Oh, thank the GOOD LORD ABOVE! WE'RE SAVED BY DISCOVERY HEALTH! What miraculous cure do they suggest for the lack of love and affection suffered by millions upon millions of people all over the world!!!???!!?

"To help combat this, you should try smiling more and giving out random hugs."

ARE YOU DOUBLE-FUCKING MY ANAL HOLE WITH THIS LUDICROUS BULLSHIT!?

Yeah, that's the stuff Discovery Health. Thanks for letting me know that the loss of a really good friend can be combated by smiling more and giving out random hugs. I'm sure after I gay hug the guy at Wal-Mart and he grinds my jaw into the pavement I'll feel SO much better.

Jesus.

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